


Forged by Fire

by roseanne_rae_94



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Post Season 3, Trust Issues, driving off into the sunset does not fix everything
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-03-31 22:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3996010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseanne_rae_94/pseuds/roseanne_rae_94
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're not second guessing things are you?" She tried to say the words lightly, but even she could hear how her voice trembled.</p><p>"No!  Felicity, no, never, but the fact that you think that-"</p><p>Felicity felt her face heat up in embarrassment.  "I don't!  Not really.  I don't even know why I said it."</p><p>Oliver put one finger under her chin up until she was meeting his eyes.  "I do.  And I don't blame you.  I think part of you is scared to fully trust me with your heart."  Seeing Felicity about to protest Oliver moved the finger that was still under her chin to her mouth and gave her a look.  "You might not even realize it.  Felicity, I don't expect you to trust me completely overnight.  Just let me prove myself to you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This picks up right where season 3 leaves off. As much as I loved the ending, I think Oliver and Felicity still have a lot to talk about, a lot to work through and a lot of things are still unresolved. Driving off into the sunset does not automatically fix everything, so this is my take on Oliver and Felicity working through things and coming out stronger on the other side.
> 
> I will do my best to update regularly, and suggestions and constructive criticism are welcome.

"Can I say something strange? I'm happy."

"Me too." Felicity whispered. Despite the words tears gathered in her eyes. She wasn't sure why, she was happy, so why was she crying?

"I'm sorry," she choked out, as the tears spilled over.

Oliver glanced over at her, a concerned expression clouding his face. "Are you sure you're happy? That this is what you want?"

"Yes! I'm sure, of course I'm sure Oliver. They're happy tears, I swear."

"Okay. I know we still have a lot to talk about."

It was true. After defeating Ra's and stopping the bioweapon from spreading, they didn't take the time to talk things over, they just frantically packed enough to get by and left. It might of been hasty. It was definitely desperate. Still, it felt right. Right to be side by side, driving, not sure where they were going, but going there together. Yes they needed to talk, yes they had things they still needed to figure out, but away from the shadow of Starling and all that had happened, hope ran rampant.

Tears too, aparently. They just wouldn't stop!

"I know." Felicity sniffled.

Oliver set his lips in a firm line. She knew she was deluding herself if she really thought he was going to let the crying go. Who cried when they were driving off into the sunset with the love of their life anyway? Could she even explain to Oliver the strong emotions overflowing her heart? She didn't think she even understood them herself.

"Felicity. Talk to me." Oliver said gently.

"This may be hard for you to believe, it's hard for me to believe, but I actually don't know what to say."

"Okay. Okay." Oliver's hand found hers and gripped it tightly. "You don't have to yet. But you will have to."

Bossy man. That never seemed to change. Still, he was right. She knew she needed to talk to him. "I want to Oliver, I really want to. I just..."

"Don't know what to say."

"Yeah."

"Felicity. You have been there for me through everything, supporting me, challenging me to be better, being exactly what I needed, when I needed it. I know I haven't been there for you though."

"Oliver-"

"No, let me finish Felicity. This is important."

She softly nodded her head as Oliver searched for the words to go on.

"That's going to change. It had to change, because you deserve so much better. You come first in this relationship. I know I'm not the best at relationships and that has to change too. I need you to help me though. Help me put you first, help me you be what you need."

The tears only flowed faster. Really, how was it even possible not to cry when he said things like that? "You Oliver. I just need you."

Oliver let out a huff. "I think we both know that's not true." he mumbled, but then seemed to let it go, not saying anything else.

They rode in companionable silence for the next few miles. Every so often Felicity would swipe at her eyes. She couldn't help but feel that she ruined their happy mood. Lord, look who was the broody one now.

As it turns out, there is only so long Felicity can actually stay silent. "I'm still sorry. It's just...I'm so tired of crying. It seems like that's all I've been doing these days. I am happy, but at the same time, I feel like something's wrong with me. Like, inside."

Oliver ran a hand down the side of his face before pulling over on the side of the road. He turned to Felicity and caught both her small, shaking hands in his warm, calloused ones. His eyes met hers, and for once, his were clear while hers were stormy. " You've been through a lot this year. I've put you through a lot this year. I know you're strong, there's no denying that, but you're vulnerable too, Felicity."

Felicity looked away, suddenly unsure that she wanted to hear what he was going to say. "You're not second guessing things are you?" She tried to say the words lightly, but even she could hear how her voice trembled.

"No! Felicity, no, never, but the fact that you think that-"

Felicity felt her face heat up in embarrassment. "I don't! Not really. I don't even know why I said it."

Oliver put one finger under her chin up until she was meeting his eyes. "I do. And I don't blame you. I think part of you is scared to fully trust me with your heart." Seeing Felicity about to protest Oliver moved the finger that was still under her chin to her mouth and gave her a look. "You might not even realize it. Felicity, I don't expect you to trust me completely overnight. Just let me prove myself to you."

Felicity could only nod, tears still streaming down her face. "I love you Oliver," she chocked out. "I know that, for sure."

"I know you do, baby. I love you too. What do you need Felicity? Please tell me what you need."

"Could you hug me?" Suddenly feeling shy, Felicity ducked her head down. "You don't have to, you don't seem to be a hugger really, but I do like hugs. I just don't want you to feel obligated-"

She was cut off by Oliver leaning across the console and scooping her up completely, depositing her in his lap. "Wow. You're strong."

Felicity melted into Oliver, twining her arms around him. Oliver hugged her fiercely, one arm banded across her back while his other hand ran through her hair. "I would hug you anytime Felicity. I'm just...a little out of practice. Maybe you could help me with that?"

Felicity nodded, face burrowed in Oliver's shoulder. Neither of them cared that it wasn't the most comfortable position for them to be in, it was what they both needed.

  
The tears that had been leaking periodically from Felicity came full force. Oliver held on to her tight as she came apart in his arms. He whispered into her ear as she gasped out sobs, not really knowing what he was saying, half of it in Russian, just talking, letting her know he was there.

The storm that overtook Felicity eventually passed, leaving her limp in Oliver's arms. He breathed a kiss into her hair. "You ready?"

At her nod Oliver scooped her up and carried Felicity around to the passenger side door. Ignoring her protests he gently placed her in the car seat and buckled her in. Within minuets Felicity had nodded off.

 

After driving well into the night Oliver knew he needed to find a place to stay the night. Taking the next exit, he pulled into a decent looking hotel.

Parking, Oliver let his gaze fall on a still sleeping Felicity. Her blond hair lay across her cheek, tangled from the wind. His heart tightened painfully at the dried tear tracks on her cheeks. He had been so wrapped up in his own pain, his own suffering this past year, he didn't even realize Felicity was hurting too.

The familial weight of guilt settled deep in his stomach. Instead of embracing it, however, Oliver fought it. It would be so easy to get lost in the guilt, push Felicity away, but he knew he had to do things differently. Be there for Felicity. She wouldn't want him feeling guilty. She makes her own choices, she would say. Oliver vowed to himself never to take her choice from her again.

Deciding to wake Felicity up, Oliver trailed his hand down her bare arm. Lord, she felt so good, so smooth and soft. His tan, calloused hand stood out starkly against her pale, petite arm. "Felicity. We're at a hotel."

"Mmmmmm...I'm asleep."

Oliver grinned, "You're not anymore."

"Am to!" She insisted, stubbornly screwing her eyes tight.

"Okay then. I'll just come over there and carry you inside."

Oliver felt his heart lighten when she smiled. He would do anything to keep that smile on her face. "M'kay"

Oliver was out the door in a flash, opening Felicity's door and scooping her into his arms before she knew what was happening. "Hey!" She protested.

"I told you I would come over there and get you."

Giggling, she lifted her head up to meet his eyes. "Always come for me," she whispered.

"Always."

 

The king sized bed with the soft comforter and multiple throw pillows loomed large in Felicity's mind. Oliver ended up putting her down in the parking lot of the hotel, but had swooped her up again and carried her over the threshold of the hotel room. She didn't know why she was so apprehensive of the hotel bed. It wasn't as if they hadn't already made love. They had, and it was wonderful.

Then why did she feel this way?

She didn't mean to be such trouble. After all, Oliver chose her. He decided he wanted to be with her, and now suddenly she can't get her act together?

What was wrong with her anyway?

Okay she could do this. She was with Oliver, just the two of them and he had chosen her. They love each other. Get yourself together Felicity!

"You're thinking very loudly." Oliver's voice broke through her thoughts. Startled Felicity turned to look at him. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yep, of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe because you're staring at the bed like it might jump at you and eat you."

Felicity laughed weakly. "What? No." Running a hand through her hair she walked to the bed. "Why would you think that? Why would I think that? Why would you think that I think that?"

Oliver pulled her down to the bed next to the. "Felicity. We don't have to do anything you're not ready for."

"I'm being ridiculous," she whispered. "I know I am."

"You are not being ridiculous." Oliver firmly replied.

"I just feel like I'm ruining everything!" Felicity wailed, burying her face in her hands.

"Hey, hey, hey. You're not ruining anything." Oliver sighed. He didn't blame Felicity for feeling the way she did, and he knew he had no right to feel frustrated. He just didn't know how to help her. Felicity was always so put together, always knowing just what to say. Now, seeing her like this, unsure, lost, he didn't know what to do. If only he saw this coming sooner.

He had to do this right.

"We're exhausted Felicity. Let's get some sleep and we can talk and figure out where to go in the morning."

"Okay."

"Okay. Good"

"Oliver? You're going to think this is silly, but what I really would like to do is have a nice long hot bath before bed. I just feel so dirty and icky."

Oliver smiled at Felicity. "Of course. Would you like me to run it for you?"

Wrinkling up her nose, she replied "Oh no. Nobody does that but me." Nodding decisively she continued, "You might get to hot or to cold and that just won't do."

Oliver nodded seriously. "I see. I has to be just right."

"Yes - wait a minute! Are you teasing me?"

"Maybe just a little."

Felicity smiled softly at Oliver. "Oh. Well I like it." She scurried to the bathroom before Oliver could respond.

 

 

Felicity soaked in the just right hot water. The exhaustion from the past days had settled deep in her bones, and she felt tired beyond her years. The emotional exhaustion was the worst, clouding her mind and heart until it got to the point where she felt like she didn't know anything anymore, even herself.

All she knew was that Oliver chose her. He wanted to be with her. So yeah, she needed to get herself together before he decided she wasn't worth it.

Making a spur of the minuet decision she called out "Oliver!"

He appeared almost instantly in the doorway.

"I thought...well, it's pretty big bathtub. You got us a really nice room."

A soft smile overtook Oliver's features. "Anything for you, Felicity."

"Oh, well. Thank you."

"Was that what you called me in here for?"

Felicity flushed. Get yourself together, she chided herself. She slowly uncrossed her arms so they were no longer hiding her breasts. Oliver visibly gulped. Taking a deep breath Felicity fought the urge to cover herself up again. After all, it's not like he hadn't seen it all before anyway. Seemed to like it too.

"The bathtub is big enough for two if you'd like." Try as she may Felicity just couldn't bring herself to meet Oliver's eyes. She heard him step into the room, however and the soft thunk of clough's dropping.

Water sloshed around her as Oliver stepped into the tub behind her.

Get yourself together Felicity! She doesn't understand, she really doesn't. Every time Oliver did that Salmon ladder, or worked out, or heck, walked into a room she wanted him and now this? She even knew how it felt Oliver to love her, caress her, kiss her. It was wonderful, and she still felt this way?

No matter. Oliver chose her, he finally got himself together, she had better get herself together too.

No need to give him a reason to second guess things.

Oliver's hard, muscled chest met Felicity's back and his legs bracketed hers. "I can see it's big enough for two," his voice whispered over her ear.

She forced herself to relax against his back. This wasn't too bad actually, resting against Oliver like this. Tipping her head against his shoulder, Felicity smiled up at him.  
Oliver gently tucked a stray, damp piece of hair behind her ear, then ran his hands up and down her arms.

She didn't want to tense up, but her body was betraying her in more ways than one today.

Up and down, up and down, up and down, his hands trailed softly against her skin. "Relax Felicity."

"I am relaxed."

"You've always been a terrible liar."

"I'm -"

"Don't you dare say you're sorry." Oliver interrupted.

"I was going to say I'm nowhere near as bad a liar as you are." She paused. "You know. Usually."

Oliver's hands came to rest on her shoulders. Then they started kneading, massaging, until Felicity bit by bit fully relaxed against him. Even then he didn't stop working her shoulders and neck with his skilled hands.

"That feels so good."

The hot water flowed around and between them, soothing aching muscles and relaxing both their bodies. That, along with Oliver's massage worked to put Felicity completely at ease. Eventually he stopped and just rested his hands atop her shoulders, thumbs still stroking side to side.

Felicity's hands came to rest on Oliver's knees and she turned her head sideways, burying her nose against his neck, breathing him in.

A feeling of overwhelming love swelled up in Felicity and she suddenly could barely breath her emotions were so strong. Sitting there with Oliver was so peaceful. "Oliver?"

  
"Hummm?"

"I'm really happy I'm here with you."

Kissing her cheek tenderly he replied, "Me too."

They sat in the tub until the water turned cool and they pruned up, just sitting there together, little touches here and there, sharing intimate smiles and softly spoken words. Eventually Felicity started to nod off, head dropping forward before she caught herself, only to be repeated again in a couple of minuets.

Deciding enough was enough Oliver scooped her up and wrapped her up in a hotel towel. Laying her on the bed he quickly dried her off and slipped one of his t shirts on her. He slipped into bed next to her and gathered her close.

"What are you doing?" Felicity mumbled.

"Getting some sleep, remember?"

Her head popped up.  "What? But I called you in my bath for...you know, other reasons."

"Sex?" Oliver responded dryly. "I know."

"I don't understand."

Oliver sighed. "I know. But you will."

Well that was cryptic. Completely befuddled, Felicity decided to let it go for now. She was tired, so tired, and she knew Oliver must be too. Snuggling closer to Oliver, she laid her head on his shoulder, her new favorite place to lay. Wrapped in the cocoon of Oliver's body, Felicity couldn't stay awake if she tried.

 

 

Oliver knew the exact moment Felicity dropped into sleep. Her breathing slowed, becoming deeper, rythmic, her body lay completely limp, her full weight draped over his chest, but most telling was her hand. He didn't think she even realized how tightly her fingers gripped his chest, desperately, as if he would disappear out from under her. Now with her fingers uncurled her face smooth with her lower lip pooched in sleep she looked utterly, completely at peace.

She was the last person he ever wanted to hurt with this crusade of his.

Except it wasn't his crusade that hurt her. Sure, she may of gotten a few bumps and bruises along the way. The Clock King, The Count, just the general knowledge of all the badness the world held all took their toll on Felicity, how could it not?

But it hadn't broken her.

His lies though, his death, his betrayal, everything he has done to her, pulling her close only to push her away, again and again...

No wonder she seemed to be coming apart at the seams.

Maybe he should've let her go a long time ago, but that is undeniably out of the question now. It has to be, for both their sakes. He's always know he needs Felicity, but maybe she needs him too. She's got me, Oliver swore, holding her a little tighter. Now only to prove that to her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who commented on, left kudos, or read my work! Here is the second chapter.

Despite the gloom and doom of the past year, her troubled mind, and her unresolved insecurities Felicity not only slept well but awakened feeling refreshed and well rested for the first time in months.

Really, what better way was there to wake up than wrapped up in Oliver's arms? She couldn't think of anything better.

Oliver was so good to her last night. Massaging her in the tub and cuddling with her in the bed. Being patient with her even though she knew he didn't understand why she was so reluctant and skittish to have sex again. After all, how could she expect Oliver to understand when she didn't understand herself?

Today was a new day though. Just her and Oliver, starting over, discovering themselves and discovering each other. Right now Felicity had her face buried in Oliver's shoulder and her hands were running up and down his arm. He was so muscly and strong. Felicity thought back to how he had picked her up so easily during their night in Nanda Parbat and despite everything she felt her body heat up. She trailed her hand lower to Oliver's chest and the heat flushing Felicity's body gathered, swirling in her belly.

Lifting her head, Felicity met Oliver's eyes, dark with want.

She gulped. "Oh. You're awake."

"I am." Oliver's head dipped down and his firm, warm lips met her. They gently teased and nipped as Felicity bit back a moan. He deepened the kiss just for a moment, then pulled back. 

"Good morning." He whispered.

"Good morning."

Felicity wasn't sure what to say. This was the first time her and Oliver had woke together like this, in Nanda Parbat they wen't able to fall asleep together, they didn't have enough time to. For that matter, had she ever woken in a man's arms before? Thinking back, Felicity couldn't remember. She knew her and Ray never woke up like this. The first night she woke up alone and the other nights she stayed over...actually she woke up alone then too, Ray would always be up already working on a project, or working out, doing something. Cooper and her were always quick, rushed affairs in stolen moment before going back to studying or working on codes.

She never knew how much pleasure how body was capable of until Oliver. He took her body to heights previously unknown, even if their time together was bittersweet.  
Even though part of her felt like it was a lie now.

Felicity mentally shook the unsettling thought to the back of her mind.

After all, he chose her. 

"Did you sleep well?" Oliver's soft voice broke her thoughts.

Felicity smiled. "Mmmhmm."

"You seem deep in thought this morning."

"Maybe."

Brushing his nose across her cheek Oliver tightened his hold on Felicity and brushed his lips against the shell of her ear. "Tell me about it?"

Wriggling in Oliver's arms, she shook her head.

"Felicity."

"What? It's embarrassing. I don't want to tell you."

"Fe-lic-ity." Oh great. He was saying her name in that way she couldn't seem to resist, plus staring at her with that penetrating look. She couldn't tell him this was the first time waking up next to a man, after all this was Oliver, who no doubt woke up to a countless number of women in his time. Nope, no way, not happening.

On the other hand she they both needed to start opening up to each other more. She knew that. She wanted this relationship to work, so badly. If things didn't work, if Oliver left her, Felicity knew she would be more than devastated, she would be destroyed. 

When did she become the sort of person who's happiness was directly tied up in a man? 

She didn't know, but it was to late now. She tried to deny it, she had tried to move on, but now she knew. Maybe it was pitiful of her, but there was no Felicity without Oliver.  
That didn't mean though, that it was going to be easy and it didn't erase the things that had happened.

However, it did mean she should be able to talk to him. Even about to something embarrassing.

"Felicity." Oliver prompted once again. 

"Okay, look. I'll tell you, but you can't laugh."

"Never."

"Well of course you say that now, you haven't heard it yet."

Oliver let out a huff, then pulled her up with him so they were sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard. "I'm ready."

Sighing Felicity realized Oliver was not going to let this go. Lord, but he was a stubborn man. "Okay so, we woke up together. You know, just now."

"I'm aware."

"Right so..." Alright, Felicity, here goes nothing. Taking a deep breath she blurted out, "It was the first time."

"I don't understand."

"Waking up next to a man."

She could tell Oliver was confused, he had his confused face on and she knew he was trying to figure out what exactly she meant and how such a thing came about.

Oliver was considering his next words carefully, but finally said. "Felicity, I'm still not sure I understand. Are you saying that you've never slept-slept as in just sleeping, with a man before?"

"Not exactly."

Oliver chuckled, shaking his head.

"You promised not to laugh!" Felicity cried, disgruntled.

Catching Felicity as she tried to move away from him, Oliver wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his forehead on her shoulder. "I'm not laughing. I just still don't understand."

Felicity rolled her eyes. "There's a lot of that going around these days."

"Look, Felicity, just lay it all out there. I won't judge."

"Right, so I have fallen asleep next to a man before, but in the morning he was always gone, so I have never woken up next to a man before. For the record, I like it, waking up next to someone. You! I like waking up next to you."

Felicity felt Oliver smile into her shoulder,then he lifted his head and solemnly looked into her eyes. "I like waking up to you too. Definitely the best way to start my day." He stroked his thumb over her cheek. " Why were you worried to tell me this?"

"I didn't want you to think I'm inexperienced of anything. You've probably woke up next to countless women. No offence."

"Yes, I have. But that's not something I'm proud of, Felicity. I wish you were the only woman I've ever woken up next to and I'm honored to be the only man you've ever woken up next to. Any man to leave your bed is a fool. I've thought I've loved women in the past, but when I compare what I felt for them to what I feel, right now, for you...there is no comparison, Felicity. I love you like no other."

Felicity sat there, on the bed, next to Oliver completely speechless. "I just don't know what to say when you say sweet things like that."

Pecking her lips, he responded, "You don't have to say anything."

 

The sun shone brightly through the freshly washed windows of the Granny's Breakfast Diner, streaks of sunlight falling on Oliver and Felicity as they sat side by side in a booth in the corner. The diner was a quaint, little place nestled between the hotel on one side and a McDonalds on the other. When they were talking about where to go to breakfast Felicity was adamant about refusing to go to the MacDonalds, rambling about supporting family owned businesses and some book she had read that talked about the dark side of McDonald's. So Granny's Breakfast Diner it was.

Despite the name, their waitress was most definitely not a grandmother. Oliver inwardly groaned when the tall, brunette woman sauntered up to them in her mini skirt and smiled broadly at him, ignoring Felicity completely. "What can I do for you honey?"

"Felicity, what would you like?"

Felicity leaned into Oliver and placing her hand on his chest, responded "I'll have waffles with whipped cream and strawberries and orange juice. What about you babe?"  
"Omlet and hash browns, please. Orange juice to drink as well."

Once the waitress walked off, nociticaly less enthusiastically, he turned to Felicity. "Babe huh?"

"There was no way I was letting that woman think there was a chance for her to sink her claws into you."

"I like it."

Felicity grinned at him, her eyes light. 

"And Felicity?"

"Hum?"

"She never had a chance."

Her grin only widened. He's not surprised in the least that Felicity has a jealous side. He has a jealous side too, if he's being honest with himself. He pushed it under as best he could when Felicity was with Ray, he had really believed that it was best for her, to be with Ray, not him. She seemed happy, after all, the two of them smiling and laughing together, talking theîr tech talk. Sometimes he still doesn't understand why she prefers him, but for whatever reason, she does. 

Why wasn't he with her sooner? What wouldn't he give to go back and pull her close instead of pushing her away? 

Tenderness for the brave, strong, vulnerable woman sitting next to him washed over Oliver. Lacing his fingers through hers, he gripped her hand under the table.  
"You know this place reminds me of a restaurant my dad took me and Thea to once on the way to skiing."

"Really?"

She sounded surprised, but Oliver didn't know if it was because he was sharing something about himself or because this wasn't the kind of place you'd expect a billionaire to go to. Probably both. 

"We usually took our jet, but it was having mechanical problems that day, so we decided to drive. I was excited about driving at first, but it ended up being boring and Thea and I fought the whole way. Drove our dad crazy, I'm sure. He took us to this hole in the wall, hamburger joint for dinner and I remember thinking it was the best thing ever." Oliver chuckled. "Back then my mom wouldn't be caught dead in a place like that."

Felicity is smiling encouragingly at him, and he realized that he just talked about his parents and it didn't hurt.

It felt good. He felt a bit of nostalgia, perhaps, but the ever present pain wasn't there. He realized he enjoyed thinking about happy times with his parents.

"That sounds nice." Felicity said, smiling proudly at him.

Their food comes and as they eat Oliver shares more memories with Felicity. He never realized how many happy memories he had of his childhood until he started talking, then they just kept flowing, like a door he had kept firmly closed was finally flung open.

It was freeing.

They talked through their breakfast, Oliver sharing memories and Felicity listening and smiling, occasionally asking questions. He knew she was proud of him. 

For that matter, he was proud of himself.

Yes, he wanted to live. Yes he wanted to be happy. 

And he wanted it with Felicity.

Felicity was still smiling up proudly at him, but Oliver noticed that her smile had a hint of wistfulness to it and he realized that he was totally hogging the conversation. "I'm sorry. I haven't given you a chance to talk."

"That's okay." Felicity immediately responded. "I like seeing you like this. Smiling and talking. After everything you've been through it makes me happy." She nodded decisively, emphasizing her words.

"Yeah. I think I'm finally remembering all the good times I had with my family. There were so many good times."

"I'm glad."

"What about you? What was it like being an only child?"

Looking at her hands Felicity wrinkled her forehead and Oliver knew she was considering her words carefully, the way she always did when she talked about her family.

"It was lonely." She finally decided on. At first he didn't think she was going to say anything else, but after what seemed to be an internal battle, she continued talking. "After my dad left my mom wasn't around much. It wasn't her fault, she had to work longer hours, but we couldn't afford a baby sitter so that meant I spent a lot of time home alone."   
She squirmed in her seat, clearly uncomfortable talking about herself. "I'm sorry, it's just hard to talk about. I know my mom loves me and we're in a good place now, but back then...I felt abandoned by her too. When she wasn't working she was with some boyfriend and even if she was home, she just pretended like things were okay. Things weren't okay! They weren't even close to being okay! I've realized now it was her coping mechanism, but I was hurting so bad back then and she just ignored that!"

He could tell she getting more and more worked up and while a part of him felt it was good for her to get things out like this, he also hated how upset she was getting, how her voice was getting choked up with tears, how her hands rubbed together anxiously. A selfish part of him hated it for himself, hating hearing about it. He could just picture a young Felicity, confused, hurting, the one man who she was supposed to always count on, who was supposed to be there for her, love her, protect her, a man she should be able to depend on, just not being there one day.

Did he tell her goodbye?

Did she wait for him to come home, holding on to hope, heart leaping when someone was at the door, only to come crashing down again when it wan't him?

Did she blame herself?

He didn't want to picture it, didn't want to think about a young Felicity coming home from school to an empty house, spending time with her computers because her mom wasn't there and when she was there, she was still emotionally unavailable. 

Felicity pauses and Oliver takes the opportunity to grab ahold of her hand. He may not particularly like hearing about this and he may not know what to say, but she needs this as much as he needed to talk and open up earlier.

If only Felicity had happier childhood memories to talk about.

"Even now when I see my mom she's in denial, talking about my father like he didn't leave us, didn't forget about us." She stopped talking and took a deep, shuddering breath in, then another, fighting for her control.

Gripping her hand tighter, he knew he had to say something. "I would never leave you Felicity."

Felicity gapes at him, brows raised, mouth dropped, then voice voice dripping with includability, says, "I cannot believe you just said that."

"What? I would think you would be happy to hear that."

"You know what? I'm not doing this right now." Taking another deep breath she says, "Let's go to the beach."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of your support! Here's the next chapter.

After swinging by the hotel to change into swimsuits, Oliver and Felicity laid their towels on the white sand. Plopping down Felicity leaned her head back and sighed. "I love the beach. You know I never saw the ocean until I moved to Starling?"

Coming up behind her Oliver wrapped his arms around her and playfully nipped at her ear. "Is that right?"

Slapping his chest she said, "Watch it mister!"

Oliver appraised her body with heated eyes. "Oh I'm watching it all right."

Felicity flushed. Her bikini was tiny, showing off the slope of her shoulders, the dimples in the small of her back, her nipped in waist, the curve of her legs and everything in between. Oliver leaned his body closer against her till his front was flush against her back. Slowly he drug his hands down her arms and laid them flat over her stomach.

"Is this okay?"

Wordlessly, Felicity nodded. It was more than okay. She dropped her head back on his shoulder as his fingers started lightly tracing circles on her skin. She shivered, amazed at her body reactions to Oliver's smallest touch. She was considerably more relaxed than she was last night and when Oliver started nipping at her neck it was all she could do not to moan. His stubble scraped her neck and as he kissed and lightly bit his was up and down her neck her body leapt to life, her every nerve tingling, her breath quickening. He stopped though, and taking deep breaths himself laid his forehead against the back of her head.

"Maybe later, hummm?" His voice was deep, gravely, full of want and everything a man's voice should be, but as much as Felicity enjoyed the past few minuets, and boy did she, something inside of her shrunk at the thought of opening herself up to Oliver like that again, and she still didn't know why. 

Maybe she didn't want to know why.

Maybe she was ignoring things, pushing things she didn't want to dwell on to the back of her mind. Well, who could blame her for wanting to enjoy this time with Oliver? After all, she was pretty sure he didn't invite her to go with him so she could fall apart and yell at him. After all, he's been through so much and now she finally has him...she just doesn't want to lose him.

Still, she nods. 

Before Oliver can respond in any way besides the smile she can feel pressed into her neck, her phone rings.

"I thought you were going to turn that off."

"Um, oops? You know that's hard for me to do Oliver. Let me just see who it is." Rummaging through her purse, she triumphantly pulls out her phone. Waving it in the air, she cries, "Ahah!"

Oliver smirks into her neck now, arms still wrapped around her.

"It's John. He promised he would call to check up on me, make sure I'm okay. Not like I wouldn't be okay! He knows I'm safe with you, he just said he was going to call to check up. On you too! Um, I think. I'm just going to answer."

She felt Oliver move away from her.

"Hey John."

"Hey Felicity. Everything okay?"

"Yep, of course, why wouldn't they be?"

"You've been through a lot lately Felicity, I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I wish people would stop saying that. Oliver has been through way worse and you know it. Speaking of Oliver, he would appreciate a call too."

"I'm not quiet ready for that Felicity. I need a little more time. He treating you good?"

"Very. Were at the beach right now."

"I'll let you get to it then. You two stay safe and have fun. You both deserve it."

"Thanks. I'm glad you called. Give baby Sara a kiss for me."

"Will do."

With a sigh Felicity turned off her phone and put it back in her purse. Standing she stretched lazily as she turned her body, looking for Oliver. People milled about, children building sandcastles, a group of men playing volleyball, women tanning, but she couldn't see Oliver. She turned the other way, quickly scanning through the people, but still no Oliver. Turning in a complete circle she frantically scanned the area. 

The small coil of panic that had appeared ever since she realized Oliver wasn't next to her exploded, sending fear coursing through her body, and panic surging through her veins. Worst case scenarios played through her mind on a loop as her entire body started shaking. Images flashed through her mind of Oliver's body, broken and bloodied, laying on the beach, Oliver snacthed away by a enemy, chained up and tortured until there was nothing of him left.

Just as the panic was about to completely overtake Felicity and send her in a full blown panic attack, she spotted Oliver walking towards her, two cups in hand.

Every bone in her body was screaming at her to run to him, wrap her arms tight around him and never, ever let go, but, well, if she did that Oliver might think she was crazy. She thought she was crazy, of course he was getting something to eat, not dying or being taken away. 

Still, though as he walked up she couldn't help but wrap her arms around him leftover terror still making her tremble. He was here, strong and sturdy in her arms. Pressing her ear against his shirt covered chest, Felicity could hear his heartbeat, loud and sure, and warmth found it's way into her heart again. 

"Are you okay. Did something happen?"

"Everything's okay." She could tell Oliver had his doubts. She pulled back and looked into his eyes. "Promise."

"You're shaking."

"When I got of the phone you weren't there and I couldn't see you anywhere...I may have overreacted."

Oliver pulled her back into his arms and held on tight to her. "I'm here."

She took another deep shuddering breath in, breathing him in to her core. He was here. He was safe. "I know. And Oliver?"

"Yes?"

"I turned by phone off.

 

 

The day flew by. It was pure bliss, laughing and teasing, openly flirting and lingering touches. The sun was hot, and the water was cool and for that day, the years dropped away and it was just Oliver and Felicity, no troubled past, no worrying thoughts, just the two of them living in the moment.

They ran through the water in the ocean, the waves breaking over their legs as the ran, chasing each other and laughing, taking turns being the one chasing and the on running, until an out of breath Felicity collapsed against Oliver. The t-shirt that he insisted on wearing was plastered against his chest, his finely chiseled body clearly outlined. Felicity panted, her body heaving in Oliver's arms and he scooped her up and waded out to deeper waters.

When it was up to his shoulders he stopped, and he just held her tight in his arms, knowing the water was over her head. The cool, musty ocean water flowed around them, always moving and changing directions but Oliver's feet remained firmly planted in the grainy sand. He let Felicity's feet drop but held on to her upper body as she wrapped her arms around her neck. Their bodies pressed together as their eyes met and held. Gazing into each other's eyes, feeling a connection like none other, they stayed like that for many minutes, reveling in each others presence.

The day was beautiful, in more ways than one, but at the end of the day, they were exhausted, and collapsed in bed to be asleep in minutes, neatly side stepping Felicity's intimacy problems and all their other underlying issues.

The sun filtered through the blinds in Oliver and Felicity's hotel room, showing the two of them tangled together, arms and legs entwined and Felicity's head buried in his neck, her arm tossed over his chest, palm flat against him.

Oliver woke up first, one minute he was asleep, the next, awake. Years of being on guard had led to him being trained to wake instantly, but unless he was jerked from sleep by a dream or nightmare, out of habit he always stayed still and kept his eyes closed until he recognized his surroundings. This morning he immediately recognized Felicity's warm weight, her hair that tickled his nose and her sweet smell that was all Felicity. He lazily opened his eyes smiling at her still sleeping form. His smile quickly turned in to a huff of amusement when he saw how her face was buried in his neck. How did she breathe like that anyway?

He trailed his hand down her bare back. When he invited her to come away with him, his focus wasn't on sex. He did assume it would be happening, though. He loved Felicity for so much, her mind, her heart, really, everything about her. That included her body. He desired her as a woman and had for a long time, even if he forced himself to surpress thoes feelings for so long. He really thought they connected on a deeper level in Nanda Parbat, a joining of bodies, heart and soul. This morning maybe he could finally get some answers as to what was going on in Felicity's mind.

 

 

Felicity woke up slowly. She was warm and felt undeniably safe from all harm. It regerstred in her foggy brain that she was with Oliver. Her hand instinctivly tightned over his his chest where it lay.

"Hey." Oliver whispered.

"Hey." She mumbled back. "How'd you sleep?"

"Like the dead."

Felicity whipped her head up. "That is not even close to being funny Oliver."

She glared at him, and realizing she really was angry said, "I'm sorry Felicity. I slept great."

"Me too."

A loud ringing caught them both by surprise.

"I thought you turned that off!"

"Well I turned it back on." She reached over Oliver to the end table where her phone lay. "It's my mother. What is up with her calling and visiting me so much lately? Ug, I'd better answer."

"Hello?"

"Felicity! Oh my beautiful baby girl, I'm so glad you answered!"

"Of course. Why did you call? Not that I'm not happy to hear from you, I just didn't think we did the whole calling thing."

"I wanted to talk to you! Maybe we can start doing the whole calling thing."

"Maybe we can."

"How's Ray?"

"Ummm he's fine. We are actually not together anymore though."

"Oh baby, I'm sorry."

"No it's okay. I'm with Oliver now, which is really what I wanted all along."

"Ahhhhhhhh!" Donna shrieked into Felicity's ear as she held the phone away from her, grimacing. "I knew it! I just knew you didn't love Ray!" 

Talking a few more minuets to her mom, Felicity finally hung up, only to hang her head, unwilling to meet Oliver's eyes. What her mom had said about never loving Ray had hit her hard. She basically used him! 

Oliver tilted her head up. "Hey. What's wrong?"

"It's just...something my mom said" 

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Not really. It's embarrassing."

Oliver smiled. "Seems like we did this yesterday morning."

"Oh no, this is worse. Way worse."

Oliver simply continued rubbing her back, her arms, her shoulders until Felicity sagged against him. For a few minutes neither spoke, Oliver waiting patiently and Felicity gathering her thoughts and shoring up her courage. 

"It's about Ray. My mom said she knew I never loved him. I'm just feel really guilty for how I treated him. I think he really cared for me, and I was just using him, stringing him along. I was with him only because I couldn't be with you, and if you had asked me to be with you, I would've dropped Ray like that!" Burying her face in her hands she groaned," What kind of person does that? I'm an awful person."

Oliver's soothing touch continued, even as he contemplated what to say. "Are you telling me that you never cared for Ray at all? That you never, for one moment thought that things might work out for the two of you?"

"Of course I cared for him. And I tried, I really tried to believe we would work, but I know now I was only deluding myself."

"Felicity you are not an awful person. You were confused and hurting and I think maybe you both were what the other needed at the time. And believe it or not, I'm glad you had someone to take care of you during that time, even if it did hurt for me to think about"

"Wow. That was surprisingly mature of you."

He pecked her lips. "Yeah, well, I'm trying."

He looked like there was more he wanted to say, but in the end he climbed out of bed and stretched, muscles rippling in the sunlight. It was when he turned around, however that Felicity saw the arrowhead burned into his back. 

She couldn't stop her gasp of surprise, nor the horror that welled up in her at the sight. Hadn't he been through enough already? She felt both the tears and anger rising but tried to keep it together, determined to stay strong for Oliver.

He groaned and turned to her. "Felicity it's okay. I'm okay."

At that all of Felicity's intentions of holding it together fell apart. She burst into tears. "How dare he do that to you? I hate him, I just hate him. I'm glad he's dead!"

She continued to cry, tears streaming down her face that she angrily swiped away, mad at herself for breaking down the way she was.

Walking over to her Oliver framed her face with her hands. "Hey. I'm okay I really am. Yes, Nanda Parbat was...difficult, but I think it gave me a sort of clarity. Clarity to see things the way they really are, like I never have before."

She nodded. "I still hate him though."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to know what you thought of this chapter! I have a huge confrontation planned for Oliver and Felicity next chapter, but I need a couple of filler scenes. If you have any ideas or anything you would like to see let me know in the comments!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all of your support! Here's the next chapter. It gets real.

After packing up and stopping at Granny's Breakfast Diner one last time, Oliver and Felicity were off. 

It was a new day, one of hope. Oliver liked the feeling. Hope. Hope was Felicity laughing, head tossed back, curls flowing in the wind, looking radiant and young and perfect. Hope was him laughing, the lightning in his chest that made such a thing even possible. Hope was Felicity leaning over the console of the car when they were stuck in traffic and planting a big, sloppy kiss on his lips. Hope was her enthusiastically responding when he gripped the back of her head and kissed her back, hard.

They stopped wherever they got the fancy to, their first stop being an art museum in the morning.

He couldn't say he was overly impressed, yes he grew up around fine art, his family had even owned a few pieces, but that didn't mean he liked it.

He loved watching Felicity though, how her face lit up looking at a painting she particularly liked, the way she tugged her hand leading him down hallways and into different rooms. He loved seeing her so happy, so carefree. It lifted his heart. 

Maybe they really would be okay. Maybe Felicity would be okay.

Ever since the incident at the beach he was careful to not leave Felicity's sight. He suspected that it rattled her more than she let on, not knowing where he was. He understood. She thought he had died, she had, for a time, thought he was lost to her in the League. She would need time. He could give her that time to get used to the fact that he was safe here with her.

He noticed how hard she gripped his hand, like she was terrified to let him go, how she would run her other hand down his arm, squeezing his wrist. How she had moments that she looked up at him at him and the love he saw shining in her eyes took his breath away. The fact that she, so full of light and hope, could love him, him, who was still struggling to climb out of the darkness that he had embraced for so long, was nothing less than a miracle.

Other times, though, she looked at him, and it wasn't love shining from her eyes. He wasn't sure what it was. It almost looked like desperation, but that didn't make sense, because why would Felicity be desperate? She had been through a lot yes, they still had unresolved problems, yes, but things were getting better. She was getting better. He was sure of it.

After the art museum in the morning they spent the afternoon driving. Felicity fiddled with the radio stations, never leaving it on more than one station for more than a couple of songs at a time. She hummed to the radio, out of tune, but Oliver couldn't help but smile. Some songs she sang out loud, just as out of tune as she hummed. He loved every moment of it.

At times while driving he would reach over and place his hand on her thigh. As much as he loved her dresses and skirts, there was something about her short shorts that turned him on beyond belief.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he was now able to touch, to stoke, to caress her skin where before he fought to ignore her beauty.

She hummed under his touch, wriggling in her seat when his fingers stroked the underside of her thigh, drifting along the hem of her shorts.

Tonight, Oliver thought. Tonight they would finally come together as lovers again. Felicity smiled at him, desire clearly shining in her eyes and he couldn't wait.

 

 

"I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry."

"Hey!" Felicity wrinkled her nose. "Are you saying I'm fat?"

"No, I'm saying we just ate."

"Just ate! That was hours ago Oliver!"

Sighing Oliver glanced at the time. "I thought we planned to have dinner at that vineyard you wanted to tour?"

Felicity smiled. "It's called a snack. We can still have dinner if I have a snack. Take the next exit."

He groaned, but still took the next exit.

"Pull in at that convenience store on the left." Oliver did so. "Good now I'm going to get a snack." Getting out of the car Felicity fiddled with her purse, wondering if Oliver would get out too. Her anxiety level spiked and just as she was starting to think Oliver wasn't coming, he got out of the car.

"Let's go."

"Yep. You should get food too." 

They bantered back and forth as Felicity browsed the food and ultimately ended up with a armful of snacks, which Oliver teased her about. It was so refreshingly normal.  
They had checked out and were walking to the car when Felicity piped up. "So. I can't believe I'm just now getting around to asking this, but can I drive the car?"

"Of course, if you want to. I trust you." Felicity looked away and her face fell. "I do Felicity."

She huffed. ‘You have a funny way of showing it."

"It has occurred to me we never really talked about...all of that." 

"I don't want to talk right now."

Running his hands through his hair Oliver sighed. "Felicity-"

"I said I didn't want to talk!" She snapped, walking past him angrily. He grabbed her wrist loosely, attempting to pull her to him. "Let go of me!"

"Felicity, what is wrong with you? I'm not suggesting we hash it all out here in the parking lot, but clearly, we need to talk, sooner rather than later!"

She opened the car door and dumped the bag of food in the car seat. "I said I don't want to talk about it and I meant it! We're having a good time, a wonderful time even and I just don't want to mess things up with all these issues, my issues, that I am over. Yes you did stupid things and they hurt me but I don't want to talk about it because I am over it. I just want to forget about all of the other stuff. Please, Oliver, can't we forget about it?"

He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that it wasn't healthy, wasn't even close to being healthy. The same part of his mind that knew it wasn't healthy also knew she wasn't over it. She wanted to be, and for some reason had convinced herself she was instead of facing their problems head on, but she wasn't over anything. He was also vaguely aware they couldn't go on pushing their problems aside, no matter how badly they wanted to skip the messy parts. Still, he nodded.

"Good. Okay then. Actually, you drive, I want to eat."

They got into the car and pulled out of the convenience store. Oliver would have thought things would be tense now after their...fight? Confrontation? Discussion? Felicity truly seemed to have forgotten about it though, as she opened her bag of Skittles, muttering about him not eating junk food and something about abs.

Oliver's gut feeling told him not to put things off any longer, to push Felicity out of her comfort zone into admitting what was wrong, but on the other hand, he did tell her she came first in their relationship, that it was about what she needed. If this was what she needed to process everything, than he could give her that. Dismissing the voice that told him that ignoring wasn't the same as processing, Oliver drove on.

 

 

The vineyard was amazing. After the awful art museum that Oliver only enjoyed because Felicity did, he was glad to have stopped at a place he truly enjoyed. It was fascinating to tour the brewery, fun roaming through the wine cellar, exciting to taste the fine wines. 

Currently they were having dinner, tucked into a back table of the restaurant, the soft candlelight flickering over their faces, creating the illusion of being in a bubble. 

Warmth filled Oliver's body. Just looking at Felicity was enough to warm him from the inside out. Her hair fell forward in waves, framing her face and falling on her bare shoulders. She was wearing a red dress, reminiscent of their first ill fated date.

Oliver pushed down the feelings of regret and guilt that always bubbled forth at the thought of his actions from the past year. It was a constant battle, but one he actively fought, refusing to let those feelings define him, to drag him under the way they always have in the past. 

They had finished their meal and were sipping on wine when Felicity asked, "I've always wondered, when did you fall in love with me?"

"I think I first realized I had feelings for you when you brought me coffee."

"Oliver, I'm being serious."

"So am I."

"That was literally not even a week ago!"

"What? No, no not that time. The time before, right after you and Diggle brought me back from Lien Yu."

"Oh! Oh that. Really?"

He smiled at her, staring deep into her blue eyes and a flush spread across her face. "Really. I had an awful day and I was feeling really discouraged and there you were all brightness and light, looking so beautiful and it just hit me, just how much you had come to mean to me."

"I remember that day too. The media was being awful and you didn't deserve it, not one bit. I just wanted to cheer you up, in whatever way I could."

"It did more than that, but I did my best to push those feelings down. I wasn't ready to admit what you meant to me, and I was scared because I knew if I let it happen, you could be the one person I cared for above all others." He paused, looking into the distance. "Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I didn't try to fight it, even back then."

Felicity caught his hand up in hers. "Hey. Look at me. We're together now. Maybe neither of us were ready then. I have a lot of happy memories from that time, of us being friends. Back then that was enough for me. Honestly I was happy to just be around you. Yes, I know that makes me sound pitiful, but it's true."

"I was happy to be around you too. Even if I didn't always know how to show it. I still am."

His thumb was rubbing circles into her hand and he watched as her eyes darkened with desire as a tiny shiver overtook her body, causing her hand to tremor lightly in his.  
"Let's go to our room." He whispered.

They rushed to their room, hand in hand the entire time. When the door slammed shut behind them Oliver turned to Felicity.

Finally. It seemed like forever seine he last held her, caressed her, made love to her and now he had all night. He had longed for this type of intimacy with Felicity for so long, the sharing of bodies and souls that he never wanted with anybody else.

Next thing he knew he had an armful of Felicity as she pulled his head down to hers. He kissed her hungrily, mouths merging and shifting. The kisses grew more and more urgent, creating a current that pulled them under, faster and deeper until the slow, deep kisses they started with were frantic and demanding.

His grabbed her butt and massaged it in his hand and Felicity moaned. He slipped his other hand under her dress, grasping her inner thigh.

Finally. He felt like he was coming home, like things were finally, finally, all coming into place. Then he couldn't think at all, wrapped up in her taste and touch and scent.  
Until Felicity jerked back, pushing his hand that was massaging and kneading her thigh away.

 

 

She didn't mean to. Not really. She was caught up in kissing Oliver and then it got to be to much, to fast, and she was overwhelmed, she was drowning and everything was to much, so she just reacted and pushed him away. 

He was dazed and confused, she could tell, looking at her with questions in his eyes. 

He reached for her and it was still too much, emotions swirling inside her that she didn't know how to deal with so she jumped back.

"I don't think this is a good idea." It's not what she wants to say, and seeing the hurt flash in Oliver's eyes she knows she'll have to do better. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I don't know what's wrong with me, we were kissing, I liked that and then all of a sudden it was too much and I don't why. I'm sorry."

The last thing she expects is the anger that rises in Oliver's eyes. "You're sorry! I don't even know what to say to that Felicity. I don't know what to say to any of this, because I thought we were on the same page, that you wanted this, wanted us."

"I do!"

"Well you have a funny way of showing it!" He stalked past her further in the room. "Do you even want to be here with me? You can say so if you don't want to."

"No, no Oliver, that's not it, I swear that's not it. I just have some things I'm working through, I just need time."

"How many times do I have to tell you I want to help you? We can't move past things if you won't talk to me." His voice turns pleading. "What are you so scared of Felicity? I told you I would never leave you."

Now she's angry and it's like a switch flips inside of her. "But you did! I don't know what you think you're talking about, saying you would never leave me because you freaking did, Oliver. Again and again and I'm sick of pretending I'm okay with it."

"I never asked you to pretend you're okay with it! I said we needed to talk, but you're the one that wouldn't."

"Because I knew this would happen!" She started pacing back and forth, quick, angry strides, then whirled around, facing Oliver and screamed, "What I ever do you to deserve to be treated like that? I've always trusted you, believed in you, and you turn to Merlyn?! You trusted Malcolm Merlyn, mass murderer, instead of me, who has stood by you through everything! So tell me, what did I ever do for you to shut me out like that?"

Oliver's anger was gone, dissipated in the wake of the anger and hurt pouring through Felicity. "No, Felicity, it wasn't you. It was never you, I was in a really bad place and I thought I needed to keep you out of it-"

"Actually, I don't want to hear it-"

Slamming his hands on the table near the bed he shouted, "That's your problem, Felicity, you never want to hear it! You think I run from things, you run from them too!"

"Well I'm not running now am I? I said I didn't want you to talk because I am not done talking." 

Stalking up to the wall Oliver was next to, she balled up her fist and punched the wall next to him. Fury leapt from her eyes and she punched the wall again and again. "You had some kind of nerve! Sitting there, in Nanda Parbat, listening to me pour my heart out to you, telling you I loved you, and the whole time you planned on dying!" 

She had been screaming, but now voice choked on a sob and her hand uncurled, weakly slapping the wall. "You let me give myself to you, all of me, and you knew you weren't coming back. You said we weren't saying good-bye and you planned on dying. Do you know what losing you would have done to me?!"

Tears stream down her face but she ignores them, plowing on. "Do you know what it's like to see the man you love turned into someone else? To think you're dying, killed by that same man?" She laughs a little hysterically. "And you have a wife. A wife!"

"Felicity..."

"I am still not done!" She shouts. "I just can't get over it. I thought I could, I really thought I could, but I keep replaying our night together in Nanda Parbat over and over again and all I can think about is how it was all a lie. I keep hearing your voice, over and over again, telling me it's not goodbye. Lying right to my face! I thought I could do this, I thought I could get over it but I don't know if I can!"

She was reaching a near hysterical state when Oliver's voice broke through.

"Maybe this was a mistake."

She swears she can hear her heart stop, only to start again, loud beats that echo through her body and she wants to shout and scream some more and throw things because that isn't what she meant. 

But she's numb, frozen, broken and she hears herself say, "Maybe it was."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to know what you thought!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of your comments on the last chapter! They really inspired me to get this chapter up as fast as possible.

This was it. It was really really it. A sob tore it's way up Felicity's body but she held her hands tight over her mouth, refusing to let the sob out, to let Oliver hear her.

After Oliver's heartbreaking words and her agreeal, she had fled to the bathroom where she now sat on the hard tile floor, hunched over, hand over her mouth fighting to keep the sobs in. It was nearly impossible, her throat burned with the effort of not sobbing, and tears poured from her eyes, but she knew if Oliver heard her he would come and she didn't want him seeing her like this.

He was a good man who had been through more than enough pain in his life, as good as it felt, she hadn't meant to go off on him like that and she didn't want him staying with her out of pity.

Butt numb on the bathroom tile, fist in her mouth to stop the sobs and emotions flying all over the place she knew she was falling apart, but she didn't care. Her whole body shook and her breathing came out harshly through her nose as she bit her hand to keep from screaming, knowing that if she started she might never stop. Her throat burned from the effort of keeping in her sobs and her stomach clenched painfully, her emotional pain transferring into actual physical pain that pulsated through her body with every beat of her heart.

This was it. It was really, really it. Flashbacks of her time with Oliver ran through her mind, so fast she couldn't keep up untill they jumbled together and all she could hear was the last sentence he said to her.

"Maybe this was a mistake," echoing and bouncing around and around in her head and the desperate urge to scream grew. 

After everything they had been through it was ending here, miles from anywhere familiar, no one to turn to, no where to go, breaking down in the bathroom floor of a hotel.  
How would she survive without Oliver? She knew she had to be strong for him, not let him see her broken, but where could she go now? There was nothing left for her.

A deep painful sadness washed over her and she was sinking, she was drowning, she was so unbelievably lost with no one to turn to and she knew there was no coming back from this.

She bit her hand harder as her body's shaking intensified.

Panic took over. What would she do without Oliver? The panic started in the pit of her belly and spread, and she couldn't breath, she couldn't breath and it was scary, terrifying, she lost Oliver and she couldn't breath, she was dying and she was so, so scared.

Her thoughts jumbled together and became a haze, the panic and the pain and the sadness merging, becoming one and she still couldn't breath. Spots danced in front of her eyes and she was gasping, struggling, drowning and she had never felt so alone in her life. 

A hand grabbed her cheek roughly and pulled her head up, meeting blue eyes. She knew those eyes, knew that touch and even through the the trauma her body was going through she knew she loved him, she would always love him. She wanted to talk to him, tell him she couldn't breath and she was scared, she was dying, but when she took her hand out of her mouth and opened it nothing came out.

His mouth was moving, but his voice sounded far away and then he was shaking her and shouting but the black spots were gathering.

Suddenly she was pulled to his chest and his arms banded around her. His chest was vibrating and he was still talking and she could feel his desperation. 

Then she heard his heartbeat frantic against her ear.

Her body moved with his as he took deep breaths and some of the panic induced haze cleared.

She gasped, but this time air filled her lungs.

She gulped in air, again and again, greedily taking it in and the black spots cleared and her surroundings came back to her. The buzz faded from her ears and she could hear Oliver's voice, soothing, steady, but laced with fear.

"That's it. Good girl. Just breathe, keep breathing. You're doing so good." Felicity did keep breathing, frantically taking in air. Oliver's arms were banded around her, one hand tangled in her hair. "That's it. You're doing so good. Deep breaths, deep breaths."

Felicity's breathing slowed. She was still scared, and wasn't sure what had just happened to her. She was with Oliver though, and despite everything he was the man she loved. She reached up and banded her arms around his neck, desperately holding on to him. "I don't know what happened. What just happened? Oliver, I was so scared and I thought I was going to die."

Oliver ran his hand soothingly up and down her back. "You had a panic attack, and a pretty bad one at that.". He paused. "Felicity, about what I said earlier, you have to know I didn't mean it the way you took it."

Then it hit her. Mistake. Oliver said they were a mistake. He was leaving her again, this time for good. "Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no," She muttered, over and over again, shaking her head. Tears streamed down her face and she could feel the sob working it's way up her throat again.

Her breathing quickened and she felt the panic rising once more.

"Felicity!" Oliver pulled her back and framed her head with his hands, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Felicity look at me. Look at me Felicity!"

She frantically shook her head no.

"Yes. Yes, look at me right now Felicity!"

Her eyes, red and streaming with tears, flickered up. "That's not what I meant. What I said earlier. Do you hear me? Breathe Felicity! I am not leaving you! Do you hear me? I am not leaving you Felicity!"

The sob that she had been holding back for so long finally tore it's way past her throat, and her her entire body shook. Oliver pulled her to his chest, and wrapping his arms around her, held on tight. 

Felicity sobbed like she had never sobbed before in her life. Not when her father left her, not when Cooper died, not even when Oliver died. Raw, ragged sobs that shook her body and hurt her ribs. They were violent, and brutal, one in top of the other, crowding out all else. She couldn't think, it was as if for once her brain had shut off and she could only feel, could only cry.

She didn't know how long she cried, all she knew was that Oliver was there, holding her securely in his lap, never once letting go.

Eventually though, the storm passed, leaving Felicity limp in Oliver's arms.

She felt empty, drained and utterly exhausted. 

As she slowly came back to herself she noticed how her chest and throat hurt from sobbing, how her face felt raw and her eyes burned. She was embarrassed to notice her nose was stuffed up, and she had completely soaked Oliver's shirt with her tears.

Surprisingly though, she felt better. Cleansed. It was all out, all her angry, hurtful words, all of her tears. She had completely broken down, and she felt raw around the edges, but better.

And Oliver was still there, holding her now still, limp body, taking deep shuddering breaths himself and she felt dampness in her hair and realized he had been crying too. 

She didn't know what to say, exactly. All she knew was that she was emotionally and physically drained and she really had to blow her nose. She took a deep breath and a jumble of words fell out of her mouth. "You're shirt. It's really wet. I'm sorry about that. And, well, everything else. I've really got to blow my nose. It's full of snot. Not that you needed to know that! I'm just gonna..."

Felicity untangled herself and stood up on shaky legs. Wobbling to the sink, she grabbed the kleenex and blew her nose, then splashed cold water on her face.

She turned back around to find Oliver standing now too, tears tracts openly running down his face. Running his hands up and down his face her let out a painful groan. "Felicity."

He took two, quick strides forward are pulled her to him, hard.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"No." Oliver said forcefully. "Don't apologize. There's nothing, nothing for you to apologize for. But I'm going to. For the rest of my life I'm going to be apologising to you Felicity."

"I don't really think this is a mistake Oliver."

He sighed. "Let's go sit down on the bed, hum?"

"Okay."

Taking her by the hand he led her to the bed and turned back the covers, helping her in and getting her comfortable. He sat next to her, holding her hand tightly. "First off, I want you to know, without a doubt, that we are not a mistake and I'm not leaving you. Do you understand?"

She nodded.

"I love you, so much Felicity but we can't pretend like nothings wrong and maybe, just maybe, driving away together like this wasn't the best idea, it may not have been healthy for us."

Felicity shook her head no.

"Talk to me Felicity. What are you thinking?"

She didn't feel like talking, didn't even know if she could right now, but knew she needed to. "I don't think it was a bad idea.". Her voice was scratchy and hoarse. "But you were right. We should have talked. I should have talked, and not screamed. I'm sorry."

"No apologizing, remember?"

"I feel better. After all of that. The screaming and the crying, that is, not the panic attack. That was scary. My voice does hurt though. I was worried before, that if I told you how I really felt about things you might change you're mind. I didn't want to be troublesome and I didn't want you to feel guilty and I didn't want to even think about you changing your mind so I pushed it all under and tried to forget about it. I know you said not to say sorry, but I am, because I should have had more faith in you than that."

"I'm sorry too. I knew there was something bothering you and I should have pushed you to talk about it, but I let you keep it bottled up inside when I knew it wasn't healthy. And I am so, so sorry for scaring you earlier."

"It's okay."

"We still need to talk about all the points you brought up though."

"I know."

"Do you want to do that now or in the morning?"

"In the morning? I'm not running away from it, I swear I'm not, I just feel so drained, I really don't think I can right now."

Oliver gently kissed her forehead. "In the morning it is" 

 

 

Felicity wasn't the only one who felt drained. Watching her sleep Oliver too felt the effects of the evening.

He never wanted to see Felicity like that again. She was always the strong one the one that kept him together and seeing her like this left him feeling a little helpless. He was more determined than ever to be strong for her.

He wasn't sure he was enough though. After they decided to sleep before talking, he had led her to brush her teeth, then turned on the shower and led her to it. As he was leaving the room, though, he noticed the look of panic on her face and instead, came back, guided her out of her cloughs, and led her into the shower. 

She seemed numb, standing there under the shower spray, so after a while he joined her and gently washed her, his heart clenching painfully at the bite marks on her hand.  
Afterwards he led her out of the shower, dried her off with one of the fluffy hotel towels, and slipping one of his t-shirts on her, carried her to bed. She held onto him tight until she drifted into sleep.

Looking at her now Oliver wonders if she would be willing to talk to one of the therapists ARGUS has. No doubt she would say she wouldn't if he wouldn't.

Suddenly exhausted himself Oliver slides back into bed next to her.

It would be a long difficult day for both of them tomorrow, that was for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm a little unsure about this, but I hope you liked it. Comments are always appreciated, including suggestions and constructive criticism, and thank you so much for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a long time to update, I had a hard time with this chapter. It's mostly dialog, which I am not the best at. Hope you enjoy, though!

He was awakened in the morning by the sound of Felicity's soft voice. "He's asleep right now. Yep, really. I don't think he's had any nightmares seine we left."

Oliver kept his breathing deep and even and his eyes closed, deciding to listen to Felicity's phone conversation. 

"It's been difficult, but it's getting better I think." She paused. "That's not it John, he's been more than wonderful. Well you don't have to sound so surprised."

She was quiet for a long time then, "I still think you should call him. I know it was awful but they were extenuating circumstances." She paused. "I'm not excusing him John, I know it was wrong, but it he was in a difficult situation." After another pause she said, "Yeah I wish he let us in on it too. I'm trying to understand though. After all if we want a life together, I can't be bitter about it forever. Look I gotta go though. I still think you should call him. No not to yell! Trust me, he's had enough of that. Yes, I'll call later. I wish you wouldn't worry so much. Love you too." 

Through the slit in his eyes he could see Felicity put her phone on the end table, then run her hands over her face, blowing out a deep sigh.

He stretched, muscles pulling and tightening across his back before opening his eyes completely, only to be face to face with a very grumpy Felicity. "How long have you been awake?"

Now how did she know he'd been awake?

"Not nice mister. Nobody likes an eavesdropper. Well I do, obsessively. I like you lots. I love you lots. I really do." She bit her lip, shifting gears. "It's just that I woke up this morning and realized how badly I went freak out on you yesterday."

"Which you are not allowed to apologize for."

She gave him an irritated look. "I wasn't going to." She snapped. Then her hand flew to her mouth. "That sounded awful, didn't it? That's not what I meant. I just feel so much better this morning, better than I've felt in a long time, and I think that has to do with letting it all out. Like, everything words, tears, snot. The works. And I'm just so confused because I feel bad about dumping all that on you at once, but I feel better now, and well, I meant it. All of it, and I feel bad about that too. I guess we should talk though."

Oliver had hoped they could have a nice peaceful breakfast this morning before getting into things, because now that the time had come for it, he was nervous. Some of the things he did he honestly didn't have an explanation for. And he doubted 'it seemed like the right thing to do' was going to cut it. Of all the things him and Felicity could be doing in bed together, they were doing this. And yeah, it was needed, essential even, but now that it was happening...it was crucial and he was dreading it.

 

 

He wasn't talking. He was the one who had wanted to talk all along, and, yeah, he was right, but it was a two way street, mister, and so far she had done most of the talking, yelling, whatever. After realizing what a huge weight was lifted off her chest by everything that went down yesterday, Felicity was more than ready to talk. Oliver had seen the worst of her yesterday and he was still here. She was ready for some answers, because, dang it, she deserved some answers!

Just as she was about to say so, Oliver started talking. "First off, don't feel bad. Whatever you want to say, say it. I'm not leaving you and I won't shut down. I can't promise you I'll never shut down again, but I won't right now, because I know how important this is. I can promise you though, that I'll never leave you again." 

Suddenly feeling awkward and very inarticulate, Felicity stuttered. "Umm okay. That's good to hear. Oh boy, I don't know how to do this. A part of me says forget it, I love you no matter what, and then another part wants to yell at you some more." She wrinkled her nose. "I feel like I should find a balance between the two."

Sighing, Oliver nervously ran his hands up and down his legs that were now hanging off the edge of the bed. Felicity was carefully sitting next to him, with a very noticeable foot of distance between them. "How about this." He suggested. "I'm sure you have questions. Ask them, as many as you want, and I'll answer honestly."

Fidgeting next to him, she jerked her head downward in a nod. "Okay, but first...you said you were working on it and I feel like I need one, because I'm nervous, which is silly, but I know I'll start crying sooner or later. Not like yesterday! Normal crying, I swear! I feel like I need one though."

He was giving her that half smile that was so familiar. "What is it you need?"

"Hug."

The distance between them was closed in time, His strong arms banded tight around Felicity and they breathed together, each drawing strength from the other. "We'll get through this. I know we will." Oliver whispered.

"Yeah. We have to. I can't lose you again. I won't survive it." 

"And Felicity? It's okay if you cry. And if you need to yell at me, yell at me. I can take it. Our relationship can take it. It's whatever you need."

Nodding into his shoulder, Felicity only clung to him tighter.

They breathed each other in a few moments more then reluctantly separated. 

"Okay. So, um, did you know you would be getting married?"

Oliver was fully aware that she was starting was an easy question on purpose, that wasn't even close to being the main issue, but he was grateful for it. "No."

"Oh, okay."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "That's all you have to say about that?"

"I'll never forget how it felt to be standing there, hearing you say you were marrying another woman. But really, when it comes down to it, it hurt but it was never the real issue. After all, I seriously doubt it's legal."

"Yeah, no I doubt it."

Felicity fidgeted in her seat, wringing her hands together. She knew she shouldn't be nervous. They were in this together, Oliver had said so and despite everything she trusted him, trusted that whatever he did, he somehow thought it was for the best. In the light of day, she knew he hadn't meant to hurt her. 

He also, apparently, didn't trust her. Taking a deep breath to steady her nerves, she set her shoulders back, determined to find answers. She deserved answers, dang it! "Why did you make secret plans with Malcolm Merlyn and not tell me? For that matter, why did you make secret plans with Merlyn and not Diggle and me? We could've made secret plans!"

"That was...more than one question."

Anger flared inside Felicity's stomach at his flippant answer, along with the reminder of the man she loved, who claimed to love her, shutting her out and turning to someone else for help. "Oliver!"

"I'm sorry, I know. I didn't want to involve you."

"Yeah, that's the problem. I wanted to be involved. I wanted to help you. I've always wanted to help you."

"It's not that I didn't know you would help me. You've always helped me, from the moment I came to you with a shot up laptop and a bad cover story. You've helped me in so many ways since then, Felicity, often times putting yourself on danger to do so. This time though...it was different."

"How was it different?"

"Malcolm is dangerous. He has a twisted way of thinking and a twisted way of helping people. The League is worse. I didn't want you anywhere near that! Even if you were mad at me, hurt by me, I knew you would help me if I asked, but I thought this time, it was too much for me to ask of you."

"What do you think now?"

"I should be sorry that I brought you into this at all. I should wish that Walter had given me any other name but yours for tech assistance."

The pain that shot through Felicity was swift and sudden. She didn't know what to say. Of all the things she thought Oliver might say, him saying that he wished they never met was not on the list. She turned her head to the side, away from Oliver, not wanting to even look at him. 

A gentle touch brushed against her cheek where a single tear had leaked from her eyes. She knew it was Oliver's thumb brushing against her face and she hated that after what he said she still craved his touch.

"I said that's what I should think." His touch became more instant, urging her head forward to meet his eyes. "Not what I do. There are so many reasons I should feel that way. You being in my life has hurt you in so many ways and puts you in such danger. I am so unbelievably grateful you are in my life, and I know I shouldn't be."

Looking into his deep blue eyes, shining with such sincerity, Felicity's heart hurt, but for a completely different reason. "Oliver...you don't have to feel guilty for that. I'm grateful that you're in my life too. What hurts me the most is that you can't see the good you've done in my life. You've given me so much, pride my in work, a sense of accomplishment in helping others, a team that became family, and a love so deep, so powerful, a love that I've never felt before, that I know I could never feel for anybody else. I told you I don't regret anything and I meant it. It was your choses to bring me into your crusade, but it was my choice to stay because, yes, I had feelings for you even then, but more than that, my life finally had meaning. It just hurts me that you can't see that."

He was giving her that look, so full of love, so full of awe. "I'm working on it." He choked out. "I'm working on a lot of things. I won't shut you out of plans like that again."

They're lips met in a soft, lingering kiss.

It couldn't last, however, and all to soon they broke apart. "Do you have any more questions?"

"Do I ever."

She didn't say anything else though, prompting Oliver. "Felicity?"

"I know, I know. I just don't don't like thinking about it, much less talking about it. It makes me angry, and I don't like feeling that way towards you. It also makes me sad, and I feel bad about that because I'm here with you, finally, and I shouldn't be sad." She buried her face in her hands. "I'm such a mess these days."

"Stop saying you're a mess Felicity. It's okay to feel angry and it's okay to feel sad. Those are normal emotions.". Prying her hands away from her face he met her eyes. "Feel however you need to feel, I will never fault you for that. Things will get better, and us talking like this, you getting answers, is an important step to that."

She sniffled a little and nodded. "Okay, so. um...why did you let us think you were brainwashed by the League? You couldn't have let us known it was an act?"

"It was to protect you." Seeing Felicity's incredulous look he rushed to add, "At that point I realized I couldn't completely leave you and the others out of it, but if you were to be questioned by Ras or if the League was watching you, there had to be no doubt in their minds that you didn't have any inside information."

Felicity slowly nodded. She supposed she could accept that. She still wished Oliver would have done things differently but hearing his side of things helped. "What about when you were pretending to kill us? You couldn't have been like 'hey, you're going to think you're dying, but you're not really, just act normal' ?"

The hurt and fear she felt as she lay on the dungeon floor returned. She would never forget what it felt like to feel herself slipping away into darkness, her mind clouding and her lungs fighting to breath. Even then though she didn't regret loving Oliver.

"Felicity..."

"Is it because you wanted us to act normally in case Ras was watching?"

His eyes darted away as his fingers started twitching. "Partially." He answered hesitatingly. "But also...I was so caught up in making sure you really didn't die, and contacting Barry to finalize our plans, and with me about to marry Nyssa, in a fake wedding, well, I..."

"Yes?" She prompted.

"I was so focused and...it may have slipped my mind."

"What!?" Screeched Felicity. Getting off the bed, she started pacing. "Oh wow. You forgot. You forgot!"

"Felicity..." He reached out his hand to her, silently pleading.

She batted it away. "No, I'm fine, I'm fine. Just...processing."

"Process it out loud. Talk to me Felicity. Let me know what you're thinking."

"I was so scared. We were all so scared. Even though I thought I was dying, I still didn't regret anything and I felt hurt, yes, betrayed, yes, but I also hurt for you because I knew, without a doubt, you would never kill us willingly, that it wasn't you. Only it was you, and you weren't killing us. You had a plan that we knew nothing about. You had reasons for not letting us in on it and even if I don't agree with those decisions, I do understand why you made them. Except the main reason you didn't tell us that part of the plan was because you forgot, you got to caught up in your charade."

Hanging his head he didn't say a word.

"Okay."

His head snapped up. "Okay?"

"Yep. It's not like you were on vacation or anything. I'm sure it was no picnic being in Nanda Parbat, you were under a lot of pressure, so okay.

Oliver huffed out a sigh, shaking his head in relief. 

Felicity sat back down on the bed. She knew she was going to have an especially hard time with her next question, just saying it was enough to get her teary eyed. As she wiped away the tears that were forming she realized thinking about it was apparently enough too.

"Felicity?"

"It's just...I'm ready for the next question." At his nod, she continued in a small, shaky voice. "In Nanda Parbat I told you I love you. I gave myself to you completely and I want to know why you led me to believe we had a chance when you planned on dying. Out of everything, that's what I'm having the hardest time with. I was being completely honest with you, open, and I feel like I was tricked."

"I was being open with you too, Felicity. Even if I didn't know how to tell you about my plan. I didn't know how to say goodbye to you. I couldn't. Maybe it was the wrong decision, but it wasn't a conscious decision I was making. I just knew I couldn't say goodbye. That night together, Felicity, it was real. It was the two of us connecting on a deeper level and it means the world to me." 

Felicity nodded. "It means a lot to me too. I just didn't know what to think about everything, how you felt."

"I wasn't trying to trick you or play with your emotions and I am so sorry that's how you feel. Honestly, when we were together, all I was thinking about was you, that moment. Everything else flew my mind. It was all you Felicity."

She smiled softly.

"Also I never knew just how badly losing me would affect you. I do now."

Felicity huffed, tears gathering. "It took a major panic attack at the thought of you changing your mind to realize that."

"I never claimed to be the smart one in this relationship."

"Nope. Only one genius here."

Catching her hand up Oliver looked deep in her eyes. "I understand you've been having insecurities with, well, us being intimate again. And I understand. We can take things in that area as slow as you need."

Felicity nodded, overcome with emotion. "I love you."

Oliver pulled her to his chest, wrapping his arms tight around her body. "I love you too. Always"

Both of them felt lighter. They were slowly but surely finding their way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! As always, comments are welcome and much appreciated!


End file.
